Guilt

I am struggling with enormous of feelings of guilt this week, partly exacerbated by seeing how sad he has been when unwell and how much he needed us around.

So I go back to work in under 2 weeks, nursery settling-in has started and I am in the process of trying to work out who is going to do drop off/pick up/give Doof breakfast and supper etc each day.

Due to mine and OH’s working patterns and commute distances Doof is going to be dropped with someone at 7am (nursery opens at 7.30) and then (hopefully!) brought home by someone when nursery closes at 6 as neither of us will be home before 6.30 at earliest (and probably nearer 7)… I feel so guilty that he is going to be out of his house, and not with either of us, for around 12 hours a day.

I feel so guilty that we will just have time in the morning to wake him and get him dressed before shipping him off for someone else to give him breakfast and get him properly ready for the day ahead.

I feel so guilty that when all the other mums and dads drop their babies off at nursery he will already be there (as one of his nursery teachers has agreed to do the 7-7.30 stint).

I feel so guilty that when all the other mums and dads arrive at nursery to pick up their babies he will be left waiting for a stranger to collect him.

I feel so guilty that we won’t be there to see his first steps or hear his first words, as odds are over 70% in favour of those happening when we’re not with him.

I feel so guilty that I’ll have to hear about his day at nursery second-hand from whoever has him in the evenings as I won’t be there to see the nursery staff myself.

I feel so guilty that for one week in three I won’t be there to tuck him in at night as I won’t get home til 11pm and that another week he won’t see me in the mornings as I will have been working all night and still won’t be home.

I feel so guilty that I will miss so much of his formative years, time when he is growing and changing and developing as “him”.

                             

I think it is all getting to me this week as not only is back-to-work rapidly approaching but I still don’t have my rota so have no idea what shifts I’m working when, have no idea what hours I’ll be working in 2 weeks time, if I’ll see Doof in the mornings or evenings or neither and am completely unable to finalise full childcare arrangements.

I am worried that. Doof is quite a mummy’s boy (unsurprising as he’s spent every day of the last 10 months with me – think the longest I have been away from him is 2 or 3 hours – the joys of exclusive breastfeeding!!) and the few nursery-settling sessions so far haven’t exactly been a resounding success… how is he going to feel suddenly being left for over 12 hours a day?

And lastly I am worried about when Doof gets sick (which he obviously will in nursery). Neither my job nor my OH’s will be easy to get any time off from and as we are both full-time the pressure will be on to hire an “emergency nanny” to look after him instead. But how horrid will that be for him – to introduce a new person into the mix, especially as they’ll be around at his worst/more tired/most stressed/most sad times.

I think being a working parent is going to be really hard. Even harder than I ever imagined.

Despite all this I am trying to think about the positives.

That we will have even nicer times at the weekends as it’ll be more special.

That he will enjoy socialising with other children at nursery.

That once I am back at work I will enjoy it (hopefully!).

That …… I’m not sure I can think of any others :(

If you can, or if you’ve gone back to work and have a happy tale about it, please comment below as I would love to switch my guilt off (or at least turn it down a bit) so I enjoy these last few weeks rather than stressing out.

A picture to cheer myself up - who would want to leave this??

And another one :)